I’ve dealt with body pain–particularly back and neck pain for most of my adult life having been a competitive gymnast as a kid, and then continued to do the things that tear our bodies down. I’d grown accustomed to living at a basic level of pain, perhaps a “2” on the ubiquitous 10-point scale. However, the pain and/or numbness was increasing, making it difficult to do all the things I love let alone sit and drive for more than ten minutes. This was additionally discouraging considering the fact that I was already seeing a PT and massage therapist. Oiy. When a friend recommended I try a new PT it was with a little disbelief that anyone could help, since I’ve seen many different people in the last decade. However, I made the phone call and began working with this new guy, rumored to be “magical”. Our first assessment was…well let’s say “thorough”. His feedback to me was “wow, you’re really messed up”. I was in further doubt when, after all the evaluating he did just a couple of adjustments and gave me a single exercise. One.
The second visit he adjusted a ton of stuff. And then warned me I might be “off” for a week or so. He wasn’t wrong. The next morning I woke to a weird feeling–NO pain. I didn’t have burning at the top of my hamstrings/ass. When I sat in a chair I felt both butt cheeks sitting symmetrically. And, when I skied my left leg actually responded. I hadn’t realized that my body was so wonky or how much I was compensating, or for that matter, what “pain-free” feels like. The challenging part was that I was (and am) still learning to move functionally again. The new body mechanics has completely thrown me off. Walking, dancing, skiing, paddling–all feel foreign. A little awkward. In fact, with the targeted exercises to build my left leg muscles, I’m frequently like Bambi on ice navigating what was totally automatic. This was very obvious when I swam in an easy rapid I’ve “cleaned” soooo many times simply by weighting my upstream leg (unexpectedly) too much and flipping my nose up…and me in the water!…wait, what?…that leg responds with equal force?! Aside from some of the crashes…yes, I fell xc skiing the other day too…it’s all a very positive thing. To move functionally and healthfully is such a gift and one I don’t take for granted. I have many friends right now who are healing from or waiting for knee surgery (my MCL tear was what instigated this blog so many years ago) and it’s such a challenging and painful space to be. Extreme gratitude for my moving body.
Perhaps perfectly aligned with this physical readjustment is an emotional and lifestyle evolution. After many years of living in a set pattern I’ve been doing a lot of self-work. A decade ago I was very focused on meditation and self-actualization. Life got very full and this work largely fell off the map. Now, I’m again learning how to live with intention toward my goals–personal and professional–and it has been transformational. I’m being honest with myself about who I am, who I WANT to be and the space between those points. It’s typically three steps forward, one step back, but I’m chipping away at the areas of “needs improvement” and utilizing an organized point program, created with the help of my sis, to keep my learning at top-of-mind awareness. One of the biggest steps is living in the moment, quieting the “monkey mind” and slowing down. Simplifying. Imposing boycotts for devices and in some circumstances avoiding those situations that invite negativity or gas-lighting to my environment. At least in the moment—ultimately I believe that to truly free yourself from scary or difficult things, you must process and deal with them. I feel like I’m re-learning (or maybe unlearning?) patterns I’ve been living for a long time. It’s fun and rewarding work!
** Appendix to this post… the day after writing the previous paragraphs, I paddled the stretch, for the first time since July, Mill City to the Park, on the North Santiam. It’s the stretch I paddled most when I was learning to whitewater SUP and was essentially in Gates/Mill City 3-4 days most weeks. It had been a run I’d paddled less and less, mostly choosing the Packsaddle stretch upstream for the past several years except when I felt “off” or recovering from sickness or injury or bringing newer paddlers down the river. I was paddling with a friend who was kayaking for the first time post-knee surgery. For me it felt good to be home.
So there you go! Sue Fox working on the 2.0 version!! Complete with a few more wrinkles, couple more gray hairs, and seemingly a lot more energy than I’ve had in a decade to tackle the next adventure. Whatever that might be.
Frisky Ripples 